I don’t know how to start this post because I know it would start to sound more like a rambling than any other conventional new year post about resolutions but I think I need this more than anything else right now. It’s been a while since I wrote a personal post so I’m a bit wary. But the last thing this platform has given me is judgy eyes, hence I have decided to pour it all out. 2018 wasn’t all good to me, as it wasn’t to any of you either, I know. And that’s ’cause we are all humans, we make mistakes, take the wrong turns and fall prey to life. We can’t always have good times because without the bad times, we wouldn’t know how to appreciate the otherwise.
Some of you already know how the year had started off for me. The wrong medication, the ICU, the days long misery and finally coming out of all of that and living to tell the tale. All that is written and all that has been said. It is kind of an old news now, but it does haunt me still. I wouldn’t dare to dream the same in my darkest night terror happening even to my worst enemy. But yes, I am over it now and I have learnt my lesson. I’m not going to nag about it, people go through worse in the hospitals than I did and I very well know that. So I have put a lid on it and have decided not to worry myself anymore.
After that unnerving chapter, I had other things to deal with. Things that even my closest friends had no clue about. Things that I had to deal with all on my own. So naturally, I had to close my windows and stay put, away from the world and try and plan as to how to overcome that. What I didn’t realise was that I was isolating myself a little too much. And then that happened. I lost my friend who I had met 15 years later through Facebook. He was the connection to my forgotten, yet cherished days of childhood but with those stuff going on, our connection was slowly flickering off without me noticing it. But he noticed and he was quick to snap. At first I wasn’t sure how to react to that and this cold War went on for quite a while until we were done for good. It still feels surreal now because he was the one person I was sure truly cared about me. He was so supportive of everything I did, so encouraging and then all of a sudden nothing existed anymore. But if you think that’s all that happened then you’re wrong.
What I did not ever imagine was walking into 2019 without holding my best friend’s hand. In this case, it was really sudden. Nothing like the case where you get bells ringing, or birds flying frantically in the same direction, or a deafening silence. The volcano brewed, spurred and engulfed. All in the blink of an eye. And the worst part? I don’t even know what had gone wrong. Was he bored with our friendship? Did I say something I wasn’t supposed to? Did I hurt him by any chance? Or is something else going on? Believe me when I say this, I have absolutely no CLUE as to what I did wrong. Or did he think that I didn’t want to be friends anymore? Well, sometimes a long distance friendship can be really tricky. You don’t get to meet everyday, you don’t get to share everything. There is this invisible barrier that you just can’t cross.
– But we go back a long way!
– Yeah so what, there is an end to everything hun.
Yeah, it was heartbreaking, it was nerve wracking and yes, I was an emotional wreck. But it’s not like we ended things on a bitter note. In fact, we did not have an official ending. It just happened. Like he was there, but then again he wasn’t. His presence was like that of a complete stranger, someone I had no acquaintance with. Seriously, how did it all come to this?
There are things that we have no control over. Yes, sometimes people do change and you just can’t do anything about it. But should you just blame that person? In my case, I don’t. Because I know where my faults lie. I tend to retreat into this personal bubble that is impenetrable. Thanks to my introversion. As harmless as that sounds, you would be amazed how hard that is sometimes. To not be able to open up, to not be able to speak your mind, to not be able to talk freely. Sometimes you do need ” me time ” and that can deter real damage to your social life. So yes, I know what my faults are. And therefore, I have made peace with them.
What I did not make peace with is misery though. Nope, I’m not that kinda person, and I’m in no way a pessimist. I have to be happy and I know that. So 2018 has taught me the art of letting go, because there’s absolutely nothing more terrible than to continue a friendship that is eventually not going to work out or that is taking a toll on you. It is a harsh reality, but it is something you must accept. You can’t hold on to everybody, it is not healthy. So this new year, let there be no resolutions. Not that I did resolutions any way, but still. Let this year be about realisations. About rectifications. Those friends of mine have my blog address but I’m sure they would not visit, they hardly did. But if in any way in the future they do visit, then all I have to say to them is that I want them to be happy wherever they are. And if they ever think of me, I hope that won’t be anything bitter.
Lastly, I would like to thank you all for being here. One thing that has really made me feel that I am not alone is this blogging world of mine because even though I do not post regularly, I get notifications that somebody just liked a post and somebody just commented. People make the effort of visiting my space and there is no greater kindness in the world. So let this year be about appreciation too. I love you guys, and I always will ❤️ I would also like to appreciate those people who have stayed by my side through my toughest times. I don’t know what would I have done without them. And I also do realise that my hardships are nothing in comparison to what many others have been through but I hope they all can bear the strength to overcome that.
So here’s TheGirlOnTheOnGo wishing you all a very happy new year! I hope you too can learn from your past mistakes and rectify them for a better and happier future. But if you are sad and lonely now, then don’t worry. Just hang in there! But don’t expect any help coming for you have to, and you ought to help yourself! And if you ever need an ear, do let me know. I’m here ❤️
How was 2018 to you? Feel free speak your heart out!